


In My Head

by IlaikHeda



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:41:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21676180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlaikHeda/pseuds/IlaikHeda
Summary: Clarke Griffin has been struggling with mental health issues for years, and Abby has to help.
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please read with care for yourselves....there are mentions of self harm  
> The poem thingy at the beginning and end is NOT my own work. I found it online...so credit goes to whoever wrote it

I fear the prison is driving me mad.

The doctor tells me it is only in my mind.

I must never allow myself to

trust the doctor. I have seen his notebook. He does not care for me. I am not a patient. I am an experiment.

These holes in my memory-were they always there?

I think the pills give them to me. Even my clearest thoughts

Are like an old tapestry-faded and bare

and eaten through by moths and mice

I find myself unable to recall names and dates

or even what I was just thinking about.

There are ways. I track the days by scratching

tally marks on the floor beneath my bed. I am

running out of room, and I worry that one day, with

the doctor’s help, I will not remember what they mean.

Tomorrow I will get out. Better to escape while my mind is strong than languish in this place

I am going home.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

1888

Clarke isn’t sure how long she’s been here. The doctors don’t tell her anything, but there is someone who does. Her name is Lexa. She tells me why she is here, and that it’s not her fault. She says that she tried to follow her sister to a better place, but her sister would always stop her. When her parents found out that Lexa was still talking to her sister, they sent her here. 

“Clarke? Why don’t you ever say why you came here?” Lexa asks. She’s sitting on the cold, hard floor of Clarke’s room. Clarke, however, is sitting on her bed. She frowns to herself. 

“Well…” Clarke begins as she mentally falls back to the pits of hell that her life used to be. 

**  
  
**

1881

Clarke absentmindedly drags the blade across her wrist. She wishes that she could feel the sting of the blade, but she can’t. She hasn’t been able to for months now. Blood seeps through the cut, and Clarke reaches for the towel next to her. It’s become a routine to tightly wrap the towel around her wrist, while praying that she didn’t cut too deep. While she waits for the bleeding to stop, she thinks about her mother. What if she were to walk into the bathroom right now? What would she think? Would she try to stop her? Clarke decides that she doesn’t care. Why would she? Everything would be better if she did cut too deep, and her mother never walks into the bathroom, because then she could finally be with Niylah again. What would her mother think if she knew that Clarke was willing to die just to see Niylah again? She’d probably just tell her that Niylah is gone for good, and that she’s never coming back. That she’s dead. If that were completely true, then why does Clarke still talk to her?

Clarke carefully stands up, and stumbles back to her room. She’s aware that it can’t be any later than four or five in the morning, which means that another night went by without sleep. This is the third night that she hasn’t slept, but she’s okay with that. Whenever she closes her eyes all she sees is Niylah waiting for her. However, Clarke can feel the toll it’s taking on her body. She constantly feels weak, and always has a headache. She climbs into bed and closes her eyes, just as her bedroom door opens. Abby walks in her room, and sits on the end of her bed.

“Honey, I know you’re awake. I heard you walking around,” Abby says into the dark. Clarke opens her eyes, so she can look at her mother. 

“What do you want?” Clarke asks a little bitterly. Her mother has no reason to be in here.

“We need to talk. I’m worried about you. You haven’t slept in days, and I’m worried that you’re hurting yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

“You aren’t. Now, I need you to come with me,” Abby says. She stands up and waits for her daughter to do the same. Reluctantly, Clarke stands up. Abby walks out of the room, but Clarke doesn’t follow. She knows that her mother wants to send her somewhere. As she’s about to take a step, three men walk into her room. Abby reappears in the doorway while holding an oil lamp. 

“Clarke Griffin?” A man asks. He’s wearing a white shirt and dark pants with a lab coat. He doesn’t take another step towards her. 

“Who are you?” She asks.

“My name is Bellamy Blake. I’m here to help you,” Bellamy says.

“Who are they?”

“Monty Green,” an asain man says. 

“Jasper Jordan.”

“I don’t need help!” Clarke shouts. She can feel the walls she’s built crumbling. She can’t leave. What if Niylah comes looking for her?

“Clarke-”

“Get the fuck away from me!” Clarke screams. She drops to the floor with her hands on her head. This can’t be happening. She’s done nothing wrong. Why would her mother do this to her? She knows Clarke can’t be away from Niylah. She makes everything better. She helps Clarke. Bellamy walks to Clarke with a syringe filled with an anesthetic. He looks at Abby, and she nods her head. Bellamy plunges the syringe into Clarke’s neck. She lets out a blood curdling scream, while she claws at her neck. Somehow, Clarke manages to get to her knees before her body fills with that poison. Her screams die as she falls to the floor.

1888

“So you were sent here because you cut yourself?” Lexa asks, confusion clouding her voice. 

“I was sent here because I still talked to Niylah. Mom said it wasn’t normal,” Clarke says brokenly. She wishes Niylah were here. She would know what to say to her to make her feel better.

“Oh. But there’s nothing wrong with that,” Lexa replies.

“I know-” Clarke starts, but the door to her room opens. A young nurse walks in while carrying a tray that has a pitcher of water and a cup on it. Clarke looks around her room in confusion. Where did Lexa go? She was just here.

“Clarke, it’s time for your pills,” the nurse says patiently. She pours water into the cup and puts a pill next to it. 

“I don’t know you.”

“Clarke, I’ve been your nurse for the past seven years. My name is Raven Reyes,” the nurse-Raven-says. She pushes the cup of water towards Clarke. She turns away from it. The pills hurt her...they make her forget. She remembers that there are lines under her bed, but she doesn’t know what they’re for. 

“I don’t know you! Go away!” Clarke screams. She crawls to the corner of her bed, and pulls her knees to her chest. 

“Clarke....do you know who Abby griffin is?” Raven asks slowly, almost as if she’s afraid of Clarke is going to say. 

“She’s the bitch-no-that monster that sent me here!” 

“Aside from that, who is she?”

“Why should I know,” Clarke spits. She glares at the nurse. Raven smiles sadly at her. 

“If you don’t take your pill, I’m going to have to get Dr. Blake. Do you want that?” Raven asks. Clarke shakes her head. She never wants to see that doctor man again. He’s mean, and he doesn’t care about anyone. The nurse hands her the cup of water and the pill. Against her will, Clarke swallows the pill. Raven nods her head, grabs her things, and walks out of the room, leaving Clarke in the dark once again. She hopes that Lexa will come back so they can talk some more. She doesn’t.

1908

It’s been a long time since Lexa has come to visit, but that’s okay because her mother has been coming to visit her more. She’s so proud that she remembers who her mother is. Her mom says that she’s been doing better. 

“Clarke?” Dr. Blake asks as he walks into the rec room. Clarke looks up from her book. It’s odd to see Dr. Blake with long grey and brown hair. He’s gotten older. Clarke remembers what he looked like when he rescued her from that room a long time ago. 

“Yes?”

“Your mother is here to see you,” Dr. Blake says with a smile. Abby walks in. 

“Hi mom.”

“Hi Clarke,” Abby replies. She reaches across the table and shuts Clarke’s book. 

“Why are you here?”

“I want you to come home. I have all the paperwork here. Right here,”Abby says as she lifts an envelope. Clarke shakes her head. 

“No. I don’t want to go.”

“Why? Clarke, I miss us being together. Don’t you want to go home?” Abby pleads with her daughter. Clarke shakes her head again.

“Don’t you see mom, I’m already home. 

**  
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_  
**

~~ I fear ~~ the prison is  ~~driving me mad~~.

~~ The doctor tells me it is ~~ only in my mind.

I must ~~ never allow myself to ~~

trust the doctor. I have seen his ~~ notebook. He does not ~~ care for me. I am  ~~not~~ a  patient.  ~~I am an experiment~~.

These holes in my memory-were  they ~~always~~ there ~~? ~~

~~ I think ~~ the pills give  ~~ them to ~~ me.  ~~ Even my ~~ clear ~~ est ~~ thoughts

~~ Are like an old tapestry-faded and bare ~~

~~ and eaten through by moths and mice ~~

I find myself  ~~ un ~~ able to recall names and dates

~~ or even what I was just thinking about. ~~

There are  ~~ ways. I track the days by scratching ~~

tally marks on the floor beneath my bed.  ~~ I am ~~

~~ running out of room, and I worry that ~~ one day, with

the doctor’s help, I will  ~~ not ~~ remember what they mean.

Tomorrow  I will  ~~ get  ~~ ~~out~~. Better  ~~ to escape while ~~ my mind is strong ~~ than languish ~~ in this place

****  
I am  ~~ going ~~ home.   



	2. Epilogue

1908

Abby never understood her daughter. From a young age Clarke made it clear that she didn’t want Abby to be a big part of her life. This went on for about two years until Clarke decided to turn around, but even then, she was still distant. One day Clarke brings home a girl around her age. She had long dirty blonde hair, and was extremely pale. Abby wasn’t a fan of the girl, but decided to let them be friends after she realised how much Clarke adored her. When Clarke was fifteen, she told Abby that she was in love with Niyah. And since that day, Abby watched as her daughter fell in love with a phantom of a girl who made Clarke deteriorate. Then, a year later to the day, Niylah disappears, and that’s when Clarke’s physical and mental health fall apart. Somehow, she knew that Niylah was buried, even though no one came to their house to tell them. No one, not even Clarke went to visit the grave.

It’s been twenty-nine years since Niylah disappeared, and Abby decides it’s time to visit the grave. She climbs on the back of her horse with the help of her farmworker, Wells.

“Wells, I need you to come with me,” Abby says.

“Mistress-”

“Don’t you ever call me that! My name is Abby-nothing else!”

“Of course, Abby,” Wells says as he saddles up his horse. He climbs on, and they ride to the cemetery. When they arrive, Wells climbs off his horse so he can help Abby off. The two start walking down the rows of tombstones. There is one grave at the end of the row in the shade of the trees. As Abby knees in front of it, she sees the name that is engraved in the stone, with two dates below it. 

Niylah Green

1804-1821

But there is something scratched over the 1821. Abby leans in, and she sees a very faint 1879. 

“Oh god!” Abby cries, falling away from the grave.

“Abby?! Are you okay?” Wells asks. Abby looks at him with a sick feeling in her stomach.

“My daughter fell in love with a phantom.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

And it all made sense. The pills Dr. Blake is giving Clarke aren’t actually fixing her, they are making it so her brain couldn’t comprehend what Niylah was, and what she turned Clarke into.


End file.
